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Dispatches

Dec. 6, 2011 – I went to training last night in a bit of a funk and it must have showed because a couple of the guys commented on it. I’m not sure whether it’s because I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and therefore it’s easy to tell when something’s bugging me (no matter how well I may think I’m hiding it) or whether those two guys are just particularly in tune to and adept at reading the intricacies of women . . . (snicker, snicker . . . ha ha ha!). I think it’s safe to say I’m easy to read. Nevertheless, even though I greeted the guys with a smile and the customary 40 pack of Timbits, questions arose as to why I seemed a little down.

Keeping in mind that this blog is written by a woman, and knowing that women have a tendency to overthink things sometimes, this is the Reader’s Digest version of what had me in a funk.

Since my return to the fire department, I’ve run the gamut of highs and lows, ups and downs, expectations and disappointments, all of which (I begrudgingly admit) were my own doing. And I’ve only been back about seven weeks! Holy roller coaster, Batman!

Now that I’ve inadvertently painted a picture of myself as a “donkey on the edge” (I trust you’re all familiar with the Shrek movies, otherwise you may think I just called myself an ass . . . and one on the edge no less, which may also be an accurate description . . . hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself . . . !), I realize that I’m too far in to this blog to turn back now.

I’m going to let you in on a little secret here; a sneak peek into the mind of women. Get ready for it, because I’m sure this is news to all of the male readers out there. When women get an idea in their heads and that seed’s been planted, there is no deviating from it and they’ll desperately cling to whatever idea they’ve created with almost childlike determination. I know it’s crazy, right? Unbelievable even! Who would set themselves up like that? Women – that’s who, at least this one for sure. I guess I can’t really speak for other women out there because in all reality, maybe I am the only one that does this . . .

It would appear that I had certain expectations when I returned to the fire department of the way things would be. To help you understand where I’m coming from, it may help to picture me with my thought bubble and an image of everything being warm and fuzzy and happy and smiley faces and high fives, because that’s what things look like in the little world in my head. The only problem is . . . that’s Jenny’s world, and this, my friends, is reality.

OK, so I didn’t really expect it to go exactly like that. I mean come on, smiley faces? What am I, five? But in all honesty, I totally admit to finding myself thinking that maybe it’s true that you can’t ever really go back. You can’t go back to something that you’ve been away from for four years and expect it to be the same experience that it was before. People change, procedures change, the “brotherhood” itself has changed. Some guys have packed it in and new people have joined. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s a bad thing. After all, all Shrek would say, “Change is good, donkey.”

If it’s true that your life is what you make it, then I suppose it’s up to me to change the way I look at things and maybe, just maybe, changing what’s in my thought bubble will help.